Patriarchy Blues: Reflections on Manhood

I used to think that as long as I wasn’t ‘one of the bad guys,’ I wasn’t part of the problem. However, Frederick Joseph’s book, Patriarchy Blues, shows the cracks in this belief. Early on I saw firsthand the harmful effects men had on others, and especially women. Yet I largely saw it through the lens of “extreme” behavior—like abuse and infidelity. Subconsciously, I thought that if I just did the opposite—if I was nice, had good manners, opened doors, etc.—then I was impervious to patriarchy’s influence.

However, I was replacing one rigid system, patriarchy, for another, chivalry. But chivalry, as I often say, is just patriarchy dressed up for Halloween. This is evident in chivalry medieval origins, when it was a code of conduct that only protected the noble class. (I write about this in much more detail in this essay.)

In his book, Joseph continues, “One of the most destructive aspects of the patriarchy is that in our own ways, we all adhere to it. The people we vote for, the music we listen to, the films we watch, the sports we play, the extent to which we love others and receive love in return. It has all been shaped in some way by the patriarchy.”

What I love about Joseph’s book is that it makes us all, but especially white people, squirm in our seats, as it asks us to uncomfortably examine harmful systems that we’ve propped up and continue to benefit from. What some may hear as an attack, I think of as an invitation to freedom—to help set ourselves and others free from patriarchy’s grip.

It’s easy to say, as we wave the protector-provider flag, that we’re nice to women. Men jump through hoops, like George in Seinfeld trying to prove that he’s not racist because he has Black friends, to show their female allyship.

But how do we respond at guys night after the punchline of a misogynistic or racist joke?
How are we helping shrink the equality gap?
What are we doing to expand women’s rights?
How are we lessening the burden we put on women?

I’ll end with how Joseph begins his book: “Somewhere we can be accountable for who we have been within the oppressive systems that have gaslighted us into being less than who we truly are. Somewhere we can grow and help others feel safe. The words on these pages sing the song of goodbye to the men I have been and welcome with open arms the man I am becoming.”

I believe that this is one of the most important challenges for us as men to rise to—to acknowledge the ways that we’ve perpetuated our role in patriarchy and to hold ourselves, and other men, accountable for it. In doing so, as Joseph writes, we’ll grow while help others feel safe. I don’t think there’s anything more noble and masculine that we can do.