Real men…do cry
Since kicking off First Tuesdays in Seattle, one of the best parts about it has been the great questions and topics that folks have brought in. And at our last meetup, things got kicked off with a question about grief, which later lead into a great discussion about crying and men’s emotions. We talked about how boys and men are socialized to not cry and to not express many of the emotions and characteristics associated with crying, like grief and sadness. Yet there was a sentiment about how there’s a sense of safety and trust when witnessing other men cry and express such emotions. It all made for a poignant, meaningful conversation.
So considering my background and master’s degree in Positive Psychology, I of course had to go down the science rabbit hole after that discussion. On a cultural level, we see the effects of how society is socialized around crying. What’s often the first thing someone says, regardless of gender, when they start to cry? They apologize, saying that they’re sorry for what is effectively a natural human response. Yet the consensus in our group was that a man’s ability to show emotion and hold space for others’ emotions is an indicator of healthy masculinity, safety, trust, and emotional depth.
There’s science that supports this. Studies have found that those who cry are perceived as warmer and less threatening. Crying is like an invitation to social connection. In a great UAB article about the science of crying, clinical psychologist and postdoctoral fellow Christina Parker, is quoted as saying, “When we don’t have enough reserve in our psychological savings account, and the things we care about get activated or threatened, we can overdraft, or cry.” She continues, “Tears relieve psychological pressure accumulated within our sympathetic nervous system to restore homeostasis.” Crying therefore is like a pressure valve.
What’s interesting is that crying is a natural biological response to our emotions. Yet we largely don’t suppress and judge other natural responses to emotions, like laughing, to the extent that we suppress and judge crying, especially among men. We treat overflowing laughter as a signal of life but overflowing tears like a signal of mechanical failure. Yet research suggests how natural crying is and how it’s effectively like our body coming back into balance.
So then what if we thought of crying as a natural function of our body, a signal of emotional capacity, resilience, and something that connects us both to ourselves and others, rather than a signal of malfunctioning? Because as Christina Parker said in that UAB article, “Crying has nothing to do with sex or gender; it has to do with humanity.” I think in 2026 we could all stand to feel a little more human.
Got your own questions about masculinity? Email me at spencer at fellasnight.com.
